Two Lives
I remember how rough your hand felt on mine on my wedding day.
And the tears cried on my shoulder I couldn't turn away.
So much has happened to me that I don't understand.
All I can think of is being five years old, following behind you at the beach,
tracing your footprints in the sand. Trying to walk like a man.
The years have gone and I've grown from that seed you've sown.
But I didn't think there'd be so many steps that I'd have to learn on my own.
I was young and I didn't know what to do when I saw your best steps stolen away from you.
Now I'll do what I can. I'll walk like a man.
Bruce Springsteen
When my father passed I was living in an apartment on Front Street in Marietta. I was recently divorced, struggling with my job, trying to keep myself together. I remember walking home from the hospital many nights after sitting with my Dad wondering how could things have gotten to this place. I felt like everything that I loved was being taken away from me. I knew what was coming and I wasn’t prepared for it. I was angry, sad, lost, and depressed. It was January of 2006. That was the last version of me that my father saw.
Over the last 17 years, my life has changed in so many ways. I am not even the same person that held my Dad’s hand as he passed from this world to a better one. I wish so much that he sees and knows that I am okay. I know how much pain my situation caused him as he battled the demons within his body that were tearing him down. I know this, because I know how much I hurt when my children hurt. I know he was worried about me.
My Dad and I had so many long conversations on his front porch near the end of his life. Most were tough conversations about difficult things. I was watching my hero fight a battle that I knew he couldn’t win. He was watching his only child trying to be strong for him while I was going through my own personal struggles and failures.
I would love to sit on that porch one more time and tell him about my life now. Tell him about my wife. Tell him about the home that we love. Tell him about his grandchildren and his great grandchildren. I believe in my heart that he knows, but I wish I could look into his eyes and tell him for myself. Tell him that I am happy. Tell him that I am okay.
I still miss you everyday, but I will keep walking like a man.
