We teach people how to treat us.

Life lessons come along at different times and from different sources. One of the most valuable life lessons came from my wife early on in our marriage. I don’t recall the circumstances that led to the conversation, but I know I was frustrated and challenged by the way someone was treating me. Prior to our discussion, I always looked at such a situation from the perspective of the blame laid upon the person who was “mistreating” the other person. But often that is not the case.

My wife reminded me that we teach people how to treat us. We teach people what is acceptable through our responses and actions over time. If we allow unacceptable behavior or actions to continue, we are condoning that behavior. In essence, we are empowering that behavior. We are telling that person that their behavior is acceptable to us.

If you desire respect from others, it begins with respect for yourself. There are no rewards for martyrdom when it comes to relationships. We are never going to guilt someone into changing their behavior by showing them how much we are willing to take. That lightbulb will never come on by itself.

If we want to hold others accountable, we have to first hold ourselves accountable. If we want respect, we must first respect ourselves.

Naively, I used to think that we all thought in similar ways and that logic would eventually win the day. Over time, I have learned that everyone views the world only from their perspective, background, experience, and bias. There are no universal truths. We all carry our baggage with us every day as we interact with the world. The only thing we can really control is how we represent ourselves and how we respond to others. Stand up for yourself if you want others to stand up for you.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Particularly when I was going through a divorce and trying to preserve my relationship with my children. Guilt gets in the way. Feeling sorry for yourself certainly doesn’t foster self-respect. I thought if I kept giving and giving that my children would see that I loved them. Wrong. All I was doing was teaching them a lesson that I didn’t want them to learn. Children are smart and perceptive. They see more than we know. They see more of who we are than we probably care to know. I believe my children respect me more now than ever because I respect myself more now than ever. I wish I would have learned this valuable lesson sooner.