Our roles change over time
This entry is a bit of a follow up to last weeks blog about family traditions. After a week with all the kids, it reminded me of how my role as a parent has changed so much in the last ten to fifteen years. Being a parent of an adult is far different than being a parent of a child.
This all seemed to happen way too quickly. As parents we do everything we can to prepare our children for the world, but based on our own experiences, we never really think they are totally ready. Our years of experiencing the challenges of life make us worry about our adult children. We forget the invincibility we felt at their age. We forget that they are probably smarter than we were at their age. It is hard to feel like you cannot protect them anymore.
Hopefully, we have prepared them to be able to take on the future with confidence and grace. Our kids do things differently than we do. The same as we did things differently from our parents. They have their own priorities, passions, and challenges that make up who they are and who they will be. Sometimes they want our input and sometimes they do not. They are making their own way, as they should.
Perhaps that is why being a grandparent is such a special role. It reminds us of when our children were young and they still looked at us like we had all the answers. We can still teach them new things everyday. We can protect them from the world. We can just be silly and fun because their lives are just beginning.
Once they are grown and on their own, we have to hope that maybe we imparted some knowledge and wisdom along the way. We have to learn to give our input only when it is asked for and to allow our children to create a life that they want, not what we think it should be. We need to give them the same freedom and space that we wanted from our parents many years ago.
Sounds reasonable, but not easy to do. No matter how old they are, we still have all those same instincts of parenting from when our kids were young. It is our job to prepare them for adulthood, but we still see that little boy or little girl. We still want to fix things for them. We still want to protect them. We still want to tell them important things, teach them new things.
As an only child, there is an additional dynamic of family that is perplexing to me. Never having siblings, I am ignorant of that relationship. I wouldn’t change being an only child, but as I have gotten older and lost both parents, I find I am envious of those relationships and wish I had “family” other than my immediate family. I enjoy seeing my wife and her siblings reminiscing together over the holidays. They have a unique bond that I have never experienced. They all have different lives but there is a common love for each other that is special and important to all of them. It is beautiful.
Even as I approach 60 and our kids are tackling the world as adults, I am still a parent. I want our children to be happy, loved, successful, and fulfilled. They are all different, but I see beauty, grace, potential, love, possibilities in all of them and I hope that they will always see that in each other. Loving and supporting each other carries on the love that I have for each of them long after I am gone. Nothing would be a better legacy than someday (a long time from now!) all the kids sitting around that table telling a “Pap” story and having a good laugh together.