Mr. Trouble don’t walk this way.

I can feel him starting to creep on me, particularly this time of year. The days are short with little sunshine. I spend a lot of time indoors. I start to get antsy and more anxious. My mother fought with him her whole life. Luckily, I only seem to tangle with him occasionally anymore. But when I do, it takes a lot to stay positive. Running was always my main coping mechanism when I was feeling depressed. When I would feel that uneasiness creeping up my spine, I would lace up my my shoes and hit the road. Ironically, when I have mentally felt the worst in my life, I have probably been in my best physical condition. Runs have been replaced by walks and I have taken a lot of walks lately.

I clearly remember a conversation I had with my Dad one night on his front porch. He had always been such a great supporter of my Mom when she struggled, but he never did really understand how she felt. I tried to explain it to him. I told him when you get in a certain place you often begin to find a strange sense of comfort in that pain. It’s hard to describe, but there is a part of you that is afraid to be without it. When other things in your life are not going well, it becomes really hard to drag yourself up. Even though you know you should and need to. But in a weird way, you are afraid to let the pain go.

For me, that feeling is always there, but most of the time I cannot hear him. He was really loud when I was a teenager and he was constantly in my ear when I was going through a divorce. These days, he is pretty quiet most of the time. When I have experienced loss or gone through other difficult situations, he gets more vocal. I feel him pulling on me. I start to get too deep in my own head. I am fortunate that I have a loving partner that always knows the right things to say and not to say.

There is a set of lyrics in the song “If I Should Fall Behind” that resonates with what a true partnership means in times of struggle. Knowing the path and being patient with each other.

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true

But you and I know what this world can do

So let’s make our steps clear that the other may see

I’ll wait for you and if I should fall behind, wait for me

Bruce Springsteen

I am a lucky guy. I love my life and I am blessed in so many ways. I know this without a doubt. But I still struggle if I spend a lot of time alone. Most people love to have free time with nothing to do. Not me. Staying busy is important to me to help me remain positive. When I have too much idle time, I cannot seem to get out of my own way or my own head. That old feeling starts to creep up on me. He starts talking to me again.

Nikki and I have been fortunate to be able to go to Florida for a few weeks in the winter these past couple of years. The sunshine and the ability to get outside for a walk or a bike ride makes a significant impact on my state of mind. It has been a blessing for me. It is also something to look forward to during the long January days.

I know many people struggle with depression and other issues that are hard to tackle all alone. It is not a sign of weakness. Finding ways to cope and sharing your struggles with your loved ones is key to keeping your head above water.