Men, we can do better

My earliest memories of my father are riding around the house on his foot and holding onto his leg as he walked around. I always felt safe when I was with my dad. As an only child, I got all of his attention, which I loved. We had a unique and special relationship, as much friends as parent and child. He was my best friend. He was my hero.

As a society, I believe we are desperately searching for inspiration, hope, trust. We seek role models who will assure us that our world is heading in the right direction. We search to see the people we aspire to be in the example of others. But that is getting harder and harder to find these days. Our world is one of narcissistic athletes over-celebrating for just doing their overpaid jobs and political leaders spewing out negative rhetoric through every social channel at their disposal. The road to success seems to be paved with the carcasses of other people, ideas, beliefs, and intentions. We step up by first tearing down.

The whole thing is sad.

Large issues often seem too big to ever change. We accept the fact that we are too small and insignificant to do anything about them. So, we continue with our lives accepting that things are what they are. And that becomes a dangerous place to be. By accepting these challenges as truths, we contribute to their existence and we slowly give in to their temptations. It becomes a little easier to say something nasty about your neighbor. We laugh a little harder when we see a compromising post about someone on Facebook. We start watching another TV show that portrays people in the worst light possible. It happens slowly. But it happens.

So what do we do? Personally, I think it is a “man” problem. Men, husbands, fathers need to step up and take responsibility for our role in the world. We should reflect the values that we wish for the world in our own lives. We need to influence the circle of people that we touch every day, not by word, but by demonstration. Our wives, children, co-workers look to us to protect them and give them a sense of security. We need to be the wall our loved ones lean on when they need help standing up. Solid, unwavering, with no judgement. We need to be present in the lives of the ones we love. We need to show the world what it means to be a compassionate, loving, strong man. Our world needs us now more than ever.

Typically, what we know about manhood we learned from our fathers. I was blessed to be raised by a truly special man who showed me, through his actions, what it means to be a good man. Charles “Bud” Butler was my dad. He lost his dad when he was only two years old. His mother later remarried a chaplain in the Air Force and my father, his older brother, and their two younger step-sisters began a life of moving to a new town every couple years. At 18, he was told it was time to make his own way in the world, and he joined the Army. He told me much later in life that he never recalled as a kid ever being told he was loved.

I assume all boys idolize their dads in some way, but I believe I was blessed to witness the life of this special man up close. I don’t ever recall my dad telling me a “life lesson” or having some particular intent in actions for my benefit. I just observed and learned.

In a nutshell, these are the simple truths of being a good man that I learned from my father.

Love and faith are matters of demonstration, not words. It is what you do that sticks.

Be humble. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Nobody else does.

Don’t say something that you don’t mean. Once we put a thought out into the world, we cannot take it back. So, say what you mean and do what you say.

Treat the women in your life with kindness and respect. Always. Be nice to people. Talk to them. Listen to them.

Just show up. Be present in the lives of your family.

Never stop learning. Never stop trying to get better.

My mother suffered with depression most of her life. She had several very serious bouts with it at different times in her life. At one of her worst points, she was hospitalized in Zanesville, Ohio, for several months. The hospital was about an hour from my parents’ home in Williamstown, West Virginia. I was about 25 or 26 at the time. My father serviced computers for a living and had accounts all across West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky. It was not uncommon that he would travel 500 miles in a day to answer service calls. Every day for the entire time my mom was in the hospital, my dad would get home from work and then drive to Zanesville to visit her. He did not miss one single day. I accompanied him a couple days a week and told him he didn’t have to go every day. But he insisted and told me that my mom looked forward to seeing him every day and he needed to be there. He never complained. He knew where he needed to be.

When the surgeon at Cleveland Clinic told me and my mother that my father was full of cancer in his stomach and that it was too extensive to continue the operation, it felt like a piece of me was torn out of my soul. My mother cried and kept saying that this wasn’t fair, because dad was so good. She said this cannot be happening to “your sweet dad.” I agreed. It wasn’t fair.

The hardest day of my life was the day I gave my father’s eulogy. I struggled with how to capture in words who he was and what he meant to me. But then I realized that everyone in the audience had been touched in some way by my father. They saw the same things that I saw, because he was who he was every day. They all knew the good man that I loved.

One of the most meaningful compliments I have ever received happened on the front steps of the church after the service. A friend of mine told me that I did a really nice job on the eulogy and that I could have been talking about myself. I don’t think I have ever been so humbled or felt so undeserving of a compliment.

I think of my father every day. It has been almost 17 years since I held his hand as he passed on to his next adventure, and so much has happened in my life. I married an amazing woman who completes me in every way possible, and I am the grandfather of two amazing little boys. The oldest is Charles Thomas and his little brother is John Maverick.

My father’s life influences every minor and major decision I make. My first thought is always to think about how my dad would have handled the situation or what decision he would have made. He will always be my measuring stick.

I hope that my wife, children, and friends are positively influenced by my presence in their lives. I hope that I reflect the qualities that I learned from my father and that I practice them daily. That is how I can change the world. Doing my best to reflect patience, love, and compassion for my family and my fellow man is more powerful than political hate rhetoric, disrespect for women, narcissism, and indifference. I believe if we can focus on being the best men we can be, we can change the narrative of our world. And in the process, we will be enriching our lives and the lives of the ones we love.